effluvium's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Insight into Neurosis
Sarah packed up the lunch with a wave of guilt and anxiety that left only a foam of rationalizations. She had purchased the expensive organic food for Donny's lunch because, though it was more expensive, it was healthier.
Somewhere in her mind the word "healthy" was inxetricably linked to words like "thin" "beautiful" and "expensive," which were all words she hoped would one day describe Donny. She knew it was awful, but Donny was too fat and she knew that fat meant a life of sadness without access to the friends and sexual partners that could emilerate a bad job or a mid-life crisis, all of which Donny would, of course, be privy to. One day.
She then critisized herself for her spiral of nuerotic thinking. Was it weird that she was planing the strategic future of her six year old's sexual life? Oh god, it had to be! But on the other hand, she was just taking to its logical end the maxim, "I just want you to be happy." Sure happiness meant candy and bikes now; soon, though, it would mean hot cars and flashy women and if he didn't get them, would he blame her?
He certainly wouldn't blame Ralph, she thought. Ralph is turning into the absent type of dad who fathers homosexuals. Talk about the posibility for unhappiness! It was an outcome she hadn't considered unitl now!
Donny came into the kitchen with his feet dragging in a way the made Sarah glad there was a no-shoes-policy in the house. "Hi, mom," he said seemingly still half asleep.
It was at that moment that Sarah considered the extra money spent on the "good food" to be an investment of sorts. An investment in Donny's furture "happiness," which she decided never to think about again in concrete terms. Happiness needs money, she thought. "Hello, dear," she said, not turning around and hugging him as she felt like doing. After all, it was bad enough that Ralph was so absent, if she were to smother him there was no telling what homogenic outcome might be had.
From: Bought and Sold - 12-10-2002
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
other diaries: |